Year: 2002

no, i don’t know what the purpose of this site is for.  its not a web log. although i do post some interesting links (i’m really bored, i just might have to go on a cache hunt by myself if no one wants to join me) i find. its not a news site, I’m not going to mention anything about new york today. oops, there it went. it was originally to host all my poems and stories and music. which it does. but it also was meant to get me started writing again, and hence it has and hence this huge long page of nonsense you see here. problem is, this is the only place i write. so i have to throw my creativity here into what i once thought were pointless little posts. however, this in itself has evolved into a new medium for my
writing and has created a new form of its own. more similar to my ballads and observations works of before, which can be found under poems and stories on the links section. this is fiction. or is it non-fiction? anyway, it’s not real, but not all of it.
i wish i was artistic, and i would animate a flash movie of my dream last night. i can not possibly describe in words the imagery in my dreams, but since I’ve already peaked your curiosity, i will try. so me and the usual previous were in the theater watching some sort of resentation. when it was over, they started showing a bonus movie, on the wall behind us. so we had to turn around in our seats and look at the back wall where they had a huge theater screen and all setup. i turned in my seat, and propped my feet against its legs. after only a few moments i had to remove them out of unstoppable utter disgusting thoughts. i watched intently as the movie began to play. 3 monkeys appeared on the screen. they danced around waving their arms up and down and around and all the while
singing My friend the witch doctor told me what to do… they twirled around and waved their hands and arms and stuck out their tongues. everyone in the audience was bursting out laughing, and i couldn’t help but to be annoyed by my next door neighbor’s annoyingly childish laugh. the movie continued “My friend the witch doctor told me what to say…” and the monkeys singed and danced still. “And he said OOO EEE OOO AHH AHH TING TANG WADDA WADDA BING BANG” and twirled and so forth these 3 monkeys on this large screen. I rested my arm on the seat in front of me and just laid my head upon it in utter disbelief. and they continued at the slightly different tempo of the same line again…”OOO EEE OOO AHH AHH TING TANG WADDA WADDA BING BANG” is this sort of thing necessary in my life?

my favorite quote of today is: There’s a fine line between those that think they know everything and are afraid of nothing and those that are stupid and don’t understand everything they are afraid of.

in this utter state of disarray i contemplate my failures. my changes that lead to this situation and here i am with this stamp in my hand about to mail off my life to an address i dont know of to places i’ve never heard of to people i’ve never seen who control such a large part of the world with their big wands of ink that write and write without the sincerity of yesteryears thoughts whos thees and thants and other caveants intrigued the minds to engage a more bountiful conversation instead of todays straight from a book 30 days to business writing and memos and letters and faxes and forms and other states of correspondences hence none of them matches this extremely huge long run on sentence and i can justify it to the left or right or by the time of night which is later than i thought i would be but it’s not unusual for me anymore to dream about going to bed earlier. – night

i’ve never had a 23
dollar margarita, but now i know what one looks like. i can’t believe they
did what they did on the x files tonight. but i guess it is a fitting end
seeing as how the show is almost over. today i thought about relaxing.
i woke up after lunch time and eventually got outside to work in my yard.
and as i rode around on my 19 hp piece of machinery i considered if it was a
relaxing moment or just work. and i circled around and up and down and
criss cross and back over and over again. and i think i came to the
conclusion it could be relaxing. but it still feels like work. i got
in and took a nice cold shower. not all the way cold, just colder than
normal because i was hot. and then i stopped up the tub and let it fill up
as i floated to the top. that’s relaxing. where does fate lead me
tonight? as i was driving to town i electriced my windows down and let the
cool air blow through my face and that was relaxing. i even considered
doing a bit of cruising. that thought was relaxing, but that’s as far as
it went. i missed the train that i should have gotten on years ago i’m
sure. its far away now. i’m too far from it and that moment in chaos
has devoured this time frame. if this hadn’t of happened, would this have?
if that had happened this way, would this still have happened in a different
means? would it turn out this way in just this week or would it wait for
next year when the situation could cross again? last night i dont remember
dreaming anything. friday night i met a wonderful person. never seen
her before. chinese. but that’s all i remember. the orchestra
played for me tonight. i saw them twinkle the bells of the tubes and the
stars of the triangles. danced the folly round and about. this time
it ended on a sour note. everything was still the same as i left it
earlier. how incomprehensible is this? it has meaning and innuendo.
and innuendo has meaning. but one’s meaning may not be the meaning of
another. hence poetry. my poem may not mean the same to you today as
it does tomorrow. poems i’ve written in the past take on new meanings as
the years go by and i live out my future plans. some i finally understand
after a situation occurs. this. i don’t’ understand this. i
dont understand you and how you can sit there and read and say this man has no
life when you’re the one sitting there reading this nonsense. i’m creating
content for you to waste your time with. does this make me boring?
does this make me interesting? imagine if you could come to me and ask
what did you mean by when you said i missed the train that i should have gotten
on years ago? and i could give you this long speech of this and that
yonder. who where the 4? who were the 2? do i have a 1?
what is my favorite number? does everyone have a 1 for them? why is
it so hard to find that one. what if my one had an accident. and now
my 1 is -6 under? what happens to me? would there be another one?
or would i suffer the same fate and meet my one in the after? i would have
died for another. but where would that have put me now? cant you
tell how obscure i ‘m being? does it bother you? it wont get any
more meaningful than this. sorry. i protect the innocent here.
but people can be guilty as charged. i can hold a grudge. but
people change. and drastics can go to extremes. like a con artist.
who is telling the truth?

its how dreams are so
real and so unbelievable until the morning when you forget them. i
remember the highlights. and little details. together they make no
sense. told separately it makes even less sense. separately has a
rat in it. i drove from home far north to go on a road trip. i ended
up in canada. i stopped at a store i had been to before to get a drink.
in the back room of the store they had guitars and violins and different
stringed instruments i had never seen before. i chose my item to buy, but
i dont think it was a drink. i stepped up to the counter which sat in a
big square in the middle of the store. other people were talking with the
cashier in french and i tried to understand what they were saying but i didnt
know french in my dream. i paid for my item and got onto the bus. i
decided to sit in the very front. mind you, this was the very front of the
bus. like sitting on the very front of the speedboat. you know,
you’re actually in front of the driver. there was this railing and i was
small enough to fit there. so i did. another couple got on with me
there too. we rode in the front towards the ocean front. the road
kept going down and down and it got to be almost a roller coaster. we went
straight into the water. we fell out of the bus. there was this
plastic elastic tube that went deep into the water. we had to jump in and ride
it all the way down to who knows where. it was half full of water, you had
to force yourself up for air. we exited into a small building in the
bottom of the water. it was completely empty. just bare walls.
we wandered around in it trying to find something. we found nothing or i
dont remember finding anything. a previous was there. last night i
had a dream with a previous in-law. i’ve never been married. i’ve
been offered to be married by 4 people. i’ve considered 2. that was
a long time ago. where are they now?? never in a way that way one way
which way did i go away from? was it the beginning or before that?
did i ever run the race enough to say i didn’t finish? i once considered
trying out for track in high school. I’m lazy now. i get tired
running across my yard. loneliness is having to play Frisbee by yourself.
my grass needs mowing, i will mow it Sunday and then cook myself a nice supper
and watch the simpsons and x files as i eat dessert. i want to buy a bike
and start riding again. i used to ride all the time. i have a huge scar on
my knee where i had a wreck. hmm maybe it’s gone now. i don’t remember the
last time i really looked at it. i finally got my keyboard to work with
fruity loops. my stupid fault. i’ve been playing soundfonts with my
keyboard. i’m still no better than i was the last time i wasn’t any
better. i have a song i’m working on on the guitar i really like.
i’m listining ot chrono cross music right now. i went to mars music’s band
night out last night. give me a free t-shirt, free cd’s, free pizza and
drink and free music and you’ve just won a young single guys heart. i
talked with the editor of the arts section of the herald sun or something like
that. i bet i sound depressed. i’m actually rocking right now.
playing my DDR music. i have a wierd writing style. i write to
convey imagery and emotions and feelings and ideas. and i feel that my
writing style invokes that. tomorrow i’m going out with some friends for a
birthday gathering. i considered going on a road trip this weekend, but
i’m gonna hang out with my friends. i once went to a restaurant by myself
to sit down and eat because i liked this waitress. she wasn’t working that
night. i feel like i’m talking to myself.

back in the day when
i was a kid and i joked about making a sentence that started with back in the
day when i was a kid because of that stupid song i dreamed of writing of
thinking of that thought. and my random thoughts of tonight included not
that and another, but a different from someone else. my dream last night was
great. the show last night was great. our next show is May 11th.
after our show, we went to a club in Raleigh called tiffany’s. it was
salsa night, Nilda said. so we went and it was surprisingly fun.
salsa night, hence the mexican population was there. we couldn’t read
Spanish so it was pointless to try. but the dj’s had the mexicano music
pumping. and i just love how front page is giving me a suggestion of
Mexican or Mexicans as a replacement spelling for mexicano. so politically
(in)correct. i’ve always like a good Mexican song because the beats are so
lively and lots of different instruments and such a different style than our own
music. and the dance floor was packed full of couples doing their salsa
dances. we sat down near the dance floor and watched the people twirl
around each other like a egg yolk as you shake it. Mercy was just begging
to dance and she went out onto the floor and twirled around and touted her
stuff. she was the only person on the entire floor of around 30 to 40
people who was

dancing all alone. and of course all the guys were watching and
looking at her and they would all seem to glance back to me and smile i suppose
because we were sitting close enough that people thought she was my date.
eventually she recruited some people who would dance with her and i watched her
twirl around and do the step stop block stuff with people she couldn’t
understand a word they were saying. actually that’s probably not true, but
lets pretend that it is so that i can continue my thought. the language of
dance didn’t matter and as long as you had a body to hold on to and move about
and between and around it was alright. and the one young guy who realized
her dancing style, beat her to it and was dancing at least 5 feet away from her
at all times bouncing each way and that way and facing the opposite direction
and they would cross paths only every so often and it was funny to watch two
people dance together so independently. then there was the gentleman who
seemed to await my nodding approval before taking her up on the offer to dance.
and i watched him stand perfectly upright and hold his arms and her just so.
his hands never clenched hers, always they were open while her hand rested
inside of the palm. and he danced a perfect plan on the floor without ever
looking down or up or away. the ladies were beautiful and the more i
looked at them and the dance and studied the moves, i had the serious thought
that i could perform such a feat and thought of taking someone up on the offer
to dance. i noticed no rhythm to it, it was a matter of moving each other
back and forth. away and around and upside down. the forced
placement of a hand brought upon the twirling motion of the couple and each
would twirl the other over and otherwise around in various fashions the head,
arms and body of the other. i could twirl around. i could make someone
else twirl around too. i just dont know if i’d keep my balance or get too
dizzy or too distracted. i dont like to dance because i know i look like a
fool. and even though i can take my shoes off and twirl endlessly around
my kitchen floor that doesn’t mean i still don’t look like a fool.

I rarely create separate paragraphs in my news posts
tonight i contemplated cooking year old cookie mix. i still find things in
my house that reminds me of a previous. sometimes it’s like going to the
grocery store and seeing a new item on the shelf i never noticed before.
or it’s like finding a box of things that i swear someone must have snuck in and
placed there just to invoke emotions. flipping through the phone book and
finding doodles and circles and underlines, going through old notebooks and
finding grocery lists and to do notes. finding a new cd in my bookshelf.
an old document on my computer. things behind the washer machine. hairs
embedded in my clothing. a poem was written in july of 2001 about these
things and even now it still happens. i will trash the two boxes i found
tonight of expired food. perform a ceremoniously ritual of destroying old
memories. its just that it never ends. and sometimes i wonder if it
should. but its too late now. anyway, i think i’ll give that james
bond movie another try, you know, from russia with love. was that james
bond? anyway, maybe the ending will be different this time. well
maybe i’ve entertained you enough tonight. my fingers are getting tired
and my interest grows short with this now. i think i will go play a game
now, or just cruise the net or just play some guitar or just go to sleep.
someone write me

and upon realizing
the lateness of the night i have a false sense of energy as i think of how the
time changed and it would normally be 11:58 right now. and upon realizing
this lateness and energy i realized upon my reflection a reflection of words
that urged to be written here. so here i am and what i write now will be
just a bunch of goop because its so late. at this time my mind functions
wildly. i do my best writing here, or worst for some people. i create
wonderful songs. i can lie in bed at night waiting to fall asleep and have
a complete song in my head that i made up just then and not remember a damn bit
of it in the morning. i have wonderful dreams that would make great
stories. but i cant remember the majority of them when i awake.
lately i have been having dreams over and over of past relationships.
etching themselves out in my mind. refer to march’s poetry collection.
and as i exit out of yet another relationship my mind ponders its fate. i
can not speak of this new old relationship right yet. i will in due time.
so dont ask me about it. if i care about you, you already know. but
i care about others who dont know because theres more to the story than whats
been known. i dont know where the end will be. its so late and i’m
typing things i dnot want to say. i’m mispelling words i kjnow how to
spell and its so late i dont care to correct them. in fact i just took my
glasses off and now i cant even red the words i am typing on the screen. i
dont even know why i leave my monitor on. i worded outside today. i
fixed my lawnmorwer up. put oil in it, sharpened the blades. and cut
my grass. afterwards, i grilled myself a nice juicy steak on my grill.
i cooked soeme corn, yellow and white. and some mushrooms and garlic.
when i was young me and my dad would always work outside on the weekends and
grandma would alwaays have lunch waiting for us at lunch time. we’d go eat
and go back out to work. i want a girl who would takea care of me like
that. my grandma died when i was in early high school i thik. i don
tknow the year. i didnt go see her, i didn’t want to see her sick. i
regret that so much. i still have cookies she made for me. no one
makes them like she did. and bananna pudding. i like banna pudding.
i can barely see red lines as i type bannana so i know i’m spelling it woring.
i dont care. these are mini observations my friend pretzelboy said to me
recently. my room is it by my monitor and my mixer and my stereo. i
have a new song i wrote. well part of a new song. actually i have 2
new songs. one on guitar, on e on the computer. they arent finished of
course. i dont remember the last time i finished something. even my
web pages isnt finished. the files link dont work. theres hardly any
pictures in the picture link. i dont have good pictures. i havent
finished my con report from last year. if your smart you can figure out
how to access all the pictures that i havent linked to yet. good luck.
i want to write a story but i dont know what to write so i write here. why
are there so many red lines?? i refuse to use my glasseses. its
late. pathetic. last weekend i, it felt good outside. i
thought of walking down to my nearby pond with my dogs. then i thought how
rare it is for me to want to do anything outside. so rare, i wanted to
come back inside and mention it on my web page that i was going to be outside.
but i didn’t. i went in and played a game. i want a bike. so i
can reie it to the pond. i want to sleep. its late now. its so
loud in here. the tmbg concert was very awesome. its late and i’m
going ot bed now. i’ll read what i wrote in the morning if i remember and
see how bad i mispelled all of htis. thanks for reading. hope i
enlightened you a bit

March’s collection
of poetry is now available in the poetry section. enjoy. So how many idiots
believed the previous post? ha! it’s all true, except for the part
of me selling the site. anyway, Monday had to be one of the best april
fools day i’ve seen in a long time. want my awesome linking abilities to
shine through again? get ready for a long post here:

The technology behind Google’s great results

Napster Buys Microsoft, Plans to Sue Itself

Stealth P2P network hides inside Kazaa

MSN Delivers Another Brick in "the Wall"

Nintendo may cut GameCube’s price

High-profile anti-Unix site runs Unix

Electricity over IP

Binary Lexical Octet Ad-hoc Transport

Warcraft III drops another race, faces further delays

GameSpot reader launches Diablo fan site

Study on studies about games inconclusive

Duke Nukem Forever box woes

Sony hikes EverQuest rates higher

Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

Games people shouldn’t play

Updated Slashdot Advertising Policy

Mac OS X Hidden Secrets Revealed

Rootkit Packaged for Debian

nVidia/AMD Merger Announced

The Moon is really made
of green cheese

Burger King changes it’s name to Chicken King

Canadian
Finance Minister Paul Martin quits his job to breed Charolais cows

New Cigarette contains no nicotine and is not addictive

of course, here is
probabally the ultimate listing of April Fools’s day jokes

Yea, so i’m tired of
running this site. no one visits, no one comments on it, no one listens to
my music or reads my poetry. ahhh.. so i’m selling the site.
i’ve been contacted
as one of the top producers of original content and i’m hoping that things will
go smoothly and let me get at least a little bit of money off of the site.
We’ll see. it’s been fun

So the show last
night was a success.  it was a more mellow one than usual.  the owner
of the club asked us not to play so loud.  after the show, we were invited
back on the 13 of april.  we’re going to look for some other places to play
too.  angus junction in Louisburg is our next attempt to get into.
i’m going to have to setup some kind of mailing list or something for our fans
to subscribe to.  then we can send out where we’re going to be and stuff
like that.  i’ve already gotten a few who want more info.  for more
information on the local music scene, why not check out
www.raleighmusic.com?  lots of
good info there, gig listings and stuff like that.  oooo check out what i
just did.  created a group on yahoo for us.  put in your email address
and subscibe to our group.  you’ll get info on where we are playing next
and things like that through your email.

Subscribe to singermercy
Powered by groups.yahoo.com

ok, so i just made some instant mashed potatoes.  i’ve always hated instant
stuff, it’s so nasty looking.  i just don’t understand how it’s possible to
create potatoes from water and some white paste.  well, it’s about supper
time now, i’m going to check on my chicken i have in the crock pot and chow
down!

Basically, if it
could go wrong, it went wrong.  The entire past few weeks have led me to
believe this past saturday’s show was going to be a bust.  and with one
half working cd player, my home 5 disc changer, and Mark’s portable cd player,
we setup to practice on Saturday.  After some practice and starting to pack
up the equipment and begin hauling it, Mercy called to verify our booking for
the night, and the place screwed up and we weren’t on the list!!  some guy
had been booked as well that same night, and no one told us.  good thing we
called before we went over there.  so our hopes shattered, we called around
a few places to see if we could get in, either the place wasn’t open, the
manager wasn’t in or whatever excuse.  so we gave up, and Mercy went home
and i just stayed where i was and took a nice nap.  Then Mercy calls all
excited and says she’s gotten us in at another club called the Silver Dollar.
alright, so we’re on.  i go get a vehicle, pack everything up, picked up
Mercy, and off we went to the silver dollar.  got there, only a few people
there.  it was early for a club though.  only about 8:00 pm.  i
started setting up all the equipment.  it was a nice place for us, we had a
stage and everything.  never played on a real stage before.  now, this
place was really big, especially compared to philly bistro.  so i cranked
my JBL’s up, and made sure we had plenty of noise to fill the room!  and
man they rocked on.  i didn’t even crank them all the way.  didn’t
skip a beat.  well.. except for some strange skips in I will survive that
Mercy sang, maybe the cd’s getting scratched up.  We just kinda faded the
music out and left it at that.  but other than that, my broken cd player
played on for the night, and i didn’t have to break out my backup unit. now, the
owner of this place has ties with other big clubs in the area.  he’s heard
her sing before at another place, and he likes her.  and from what i
understand, he wants us back at the silver dollar.  we just have to find
some appropriate music for the redneck crowd that hangs out there.
Hopefully, things will progress and we can get into some other clubs.  i
can hire some help and we can get a van and there’s a bit more equipment i want
to buy.  if i’m going to do something, i’m gonna do it right and it’s
pretty good right now, but not perfect.  anyway… if you only read one
thing in this whole rant/update i have, read this.  MARCH 16TH, 7:00PM
PHILLY BISTRO! yea, mercy called today and spoke with the manager, and it
turned out to be a big misunderstanding and all is well.  to make it up, he
put us in this Saturday.  and if all goes well, he even said the 30th as
well.  so we’ll see.  income is nice

with all that
went on the past week or two, i haven’t had much time to just relax and think.
i don’t have any new poetry, no new music.  i hate that.  not that i’m
not trying.  i haven’t even been posting here as much as I’d like to.
I’ve been frequenting www.blogwars.com and
reading their stuff, but its basically a bunch of losers who sit around and talk
about drugs and porn and just weird stuff.  not that its’ not funny and
interesting to read.  but then neither is this.  I’m listening to my
game music remixes collection. i want to do a remix.  i want to do some
music.  my keyboard wont talk to my fruity loops for some reason.  i
have a cd player sitting beside me that doesn’t work.  i have 2 guitars in
reaching distance and i’m not any better at guitar than i was a year ago.
who wants to know that i went grocery shopping today?  i got 2 packages of
breyers ice cream.  i’m about to have some too.  i had left over pizza
for supper.  my house is gradually getting cleaner.  i have laundry to
fold.  i hate folding laundry.  random thought time to entertain you
and me.  i have cables hanging from my keyboard and i have no use for them.
herzog zwei is one of my favorite genesis games.    man, some
guys making a herzog
zwei TC for UT?    another
link about the game and
yet
another.    i dont post enough links like i used to anymore.
i’m already disinterested in this and ready to move on to something else.
i haven’t balanced my checkbook for months.  i’m cold.  most of my
cd’s are neglected.  i like to work on the computer with the lights out.
i hate noise when i sleep.
someones
dog kept me up for 2 hours last night because she was barking at some chickens
or roosters or something making noises somewhere.  i was 10 minutes late
for work today.  im not sure what will happen when my music conflicts with
my work.  i’m not sure how i will transport everything.  i’m ready for
my ice cream.  i used to listen to quackshot on the genesis as background
music for ultima’s martian dreams when i had a computer that didn’t have a sound
card.  i had a computer with no sound.  i still have 2 computers with
no sound.  wait, maybe 3.  the best fudge is at busch gardens, peanut
butter and chocolate fudge mix.  peanut butter and fudge ice cream is
weird.  but good.  i have a season pass to busch gardens and no one to
go with.  i wouldn’t be opposed to going by myself.  someone’s calling
me.  its Emily.  thats what i said. your mamma has testees.
i dont think frontpage has a correct spelling for testees.  steve’s better
at making ut maps than i.  i’m better at grammer than steve. i dont think
that was gramatically correct.  i have mispelled grammer or grammatically 4
times now.  this song sucks.  done with ice cream.  i have gotten
an email every 2 minutes now for like 30 minutes.    none of them
are relevant.  the best thing about living alone is control.  the
worst thing about living alone is living alone.  those two statements
collide.  the ideology anyway.    i still take Flintstones
vitamins.  i overdose on them every morning.  but my body is used to
it now.  i have low iron. i have lost 15 pounds since the last time i
weighed myself and i dont know how.  i didnt mean to lose weight.  i
think i have a tapeworm.  or some alien inside me (again).  i wrote a
story about a person with an alien inside them.  i read it at my writers
meeting years ago.  it was the most profane thing i’ve ever written.
i keep all my writings.  i keep a lot of things.  i used to keep
ketchup packets by the trash bag.  i used to keep paper towel tubes and
make things out of them.  now i keep silica gel packets.
how many random things can i come up with?  now do you know why i cant
sleep at night?  these things are going through my mind constantly.  i
can never finish a project.  i haven’t made a complete thought yet on here.
i sat down tonight when i got home to update my quicken info.  that was at
about 7:00 pm. quicken is still open on my computer, and it’s 10:08pm.  i
went to be bank last night at midnight to make a deposit.  we got $25 bucks
tip from our show at the silver dollar.  the cd player i just ordered is
$560.  i’m broke.  but i think it will get better.  i feel like
it’s an investment.  when i ever find a good girl for me, she will probably
be jealous of the money i spend.    then again, if she’s a good
girl for me, she wouldn’t.  i have erased several random thoughts while
writing this.  this post is going to rival my 9/11 post.  i had tons
of links that night.  i stayed up very very late collecting links on irc.
i posted them all here.  most are down now.  i still keep all the old
news i post on this site.  just no way for you to access it yet.  if
your really good, you could find it.  good luck.  ok, i’m done with
this. going to work on a ut map. i hope i entertained you for a bit.  write
me. i dont care what you say.  write
me.  noone has written me about my page yet!!