Author: RadialMonster

its how dreams are so real and so unbelievable until the morning when you forget them. i remember the highlights. and little details. together they make no sense. told separately it makes even less sense. separately has a rat in it.

i drove from home far north to go on a road trip. i ended up in canada. i stopped at a store i had been to before to get a drink. in the back room of the store they had guitars and violins and different stringed instruments i had never seen before. i chose my item to buy, but i dont think it was a drink. i stepped up to the counter which sat in a big square in the middle of the store. other people were talking with the cashier in french and i tried to understand what they were saying but i didnt know french in my dream. i paid for my item and got onto the bus.

i decided to sit in the very front. mind you, this was the very front of the bus. like sitting on the very front of the speedboat. you know, you’re actually in front of the driver. there was this railing and i was small enough to fit there. so i did. another couple got on with me there too.

we rode in the front towards the ocean front. the road kept going down and down and it got to be almost a roller coaster. we went straight into the water. we fell out of the bus. there was this plastic elastic tube that went deep into the water. we had to jump in and ride it all the way down to who knows where. it was half full of water, you had to force yourself up for air. we exited into a small building in the bottom of the water. it was completely empty. just bare walls. we wandered around in it trying to find something. we found nothing or i dont remember finding anything.

a previous was there. last night i had a dream with a previous in-law. i’ve never been married. i’ve been offered to be married by 4 people. i’ve considered 2. that was a long time ago. where are they now??

never in a way that way one way which way did i go away from? was it the beginning or before that? did i ever run the race enough to say i didn’t finish? i once considered trying out for track in high school.

I’m lazy now. i get tired running across my yard. loneliness is having to play Frisbee by yourself. my grass needs mowing, i will mow it Sunday and then cook myself a nice supper and watch the simpsons and x files as i eat dessert.

i want to buy a bike and start riding again. i used to ride all the time. i have a huge scar on my knee where i had a wreck. hmm maybe it’s gone now. i don’t remember the last time i really looked at it.

i finally got my keyboard to work with fruity loops. my stupid fault. i’ve been playing soundfonts with my keyboard. i’m still no better than i was the last time i wasn’t any better.

i have a song i’m working on on the guitar i really like. i’m listening to chrono cross music right now. i went to mars music’s band night out last night. give me a free t-shirt, free cd’s, free pizza and drink and free music and you’ve just won a young single guys heart.

i talked with the editor of the arts section of the herald sun or something like that. i bet i sound depressed. i’m actually rocking right now. playing my DDR music.

i have a weird writing style. i write to convey imagery and emotions and feelings and ideas. and i feel that my writing style invokes that.

tomorrow i’m going out with some friends for a birthday gathering. i considered going on a road trip this weekend, but i’m gonna hang out with my friends. i once went to a restaurant by myself to sit down and eat because i liked this waitress. she wasn’t working that night. i feel like i’m talking to myself.

back in the day when i was a kid and i joked about making a sentence that started with back in the day when i was a kid because of that stupid song i dreamed of writing of thinking of that thought. and my random thoughts of tonight included not that and another, but a different from someone else.

my dream last night was great. the show last night was great. our next show is May 11th.

after our show, we went to a club in Raleigh called tiffany’s. it was salsa night, Nilda said. so we went and it was surprisingly fun. salsa night, hence the mexican population was there. we couldn’t read Spanish so it was pointless to try. but the dj’s had the mexicano music pumping. and i just love how front page is giving me a suggestion of Mexican or Mexicans as a replacement spelling for mexicano. so politically (in)correct.

i’ve always like a good Mexican song because the beats are so lively and lots of different instruments and such a different style than our own music. and the dance floor was packed full of couples doing their salsa dances. we sat down near the dance floor and watched the people twirl around each other like a egg yolk as you shake it.

Mercy was just begging to dance and she went out onto the floor and twirled around and touted her stuff. she was the only person on the entire floor of around 30 to 40 people who was dancing all alone. and of course all the guys were watching and looking at her and they would all seem to glance back to me and smile i suppose because we were sitting close enough that people thought she was my date.

eventually she recruited some people who would dance with her and i watched her twirl around and do the step stop block stuff with people she couldn’t understand a word they were saying. actually that’s probably not true, but lets pretend that it is so that i can continue my thought.

the language of dance didn’t matter and as long as you had a body to hold on to and move about and between and around it was alright. and the one young guy who realized her dancing style, beat her to it and was dancing at least 5 feet away from her at all times bouncing each way and that way and facing the opposite direction and they would cross paths only every so often and it was funny to watch two people dance together so independently.

then there was the gentleman who seemed to await my nodding approval before taking her up on the offer to dance. and i watched him stand perfectly upright and hold his arms and her just so. his hands never clenched hers, always they were open while her hand rested inside of the palm. and he danced a perfect plan on the floor without ever looking down or up or away.

the ladies were beautiful and the more i looked at them and the dance and studied the moves, i had the serious thought that i could perform such a feat and thought of taking someone up on the offer to dance. i noticed no rhythm to it, it was a matter of moving each other back and forth. away and around and upside down. the forced placement of a hand brought upon the twirling motion of the couple and each would twirl the other over and otherwise around in various fashions the head, arms and body of the other.

i could twirl around. i could make someone else twirl around too. i just dont know if i’d keep my balance or get too dizzy or too distracted. i dont like to dance because i know i look like a fool. and even though i can take my shoes off and twirl endlessly around my kitchen floor that doesn’t mean i still don’t look like a fool.

I rarely create separate paragraphs in my news posts. tonight i contemplated cooking year old cookie mix. i still find things in my house that reminds me of a previous. sometimes it’s like going to the grocery store and seeing a new item on the shelf i never noticed before. or it’s like finding a box of things that i swear someone must have snuck in and placed there just to invoke emotions.

flipping through the phone book and finding doodles and circles and underlines, going through old notebooks and finding grocery lists and to do notes. finding a new cd in my bookshelf. an old document on my computer. things behind the washer machine. hairs embedded in my clothing. a poem was written in july of 2001 about these things and even now it still happens.

i will trash the two boxes i found tonight of expired food. perform a ceremoniously ritual of destroying old memories. its just that it never ends. and sometimes i wonder if it should. but its too late now.

anyway, i think i’ll give that james bond movie another try, you know, from russia with love. was that james bond? anyway, maybe the ending will be different this time.

well maybe i’ve entertained you enough tonight. my fingers are getting tired and my interest grows short with this now. i think i will go play a game now, or just cruise the net or just play some guitar or just go to sleep. someone write me

and upon realizing the lateness of the night i have a false sense of energy as i think of how the time changed and it would normally be 11:58 right now.

and upon realizing this lateness and energy i realized upon my reflection a reflection of words that urged to be written here. so here i am and what i write now will be just a bunch of goop because its so late. at this time my mind functions wildly. i do my best writing here, or worst for some people. i create wonderful songs. i can lie in bed at night waiting to fall asleep and have a complete song in my head that i made up just then and not remember a damn bit of it in the morning. i have wonderful dreams that would make great stories. but i cant remember the majority of them when i awake.

lately i have been having dreams over and over of past relationships. etching themselves out in my mind. refer to march’s poetry collection. and as i exit out of yet another relationship my mind ponders its fate. i can not speak of this new old relationship right yet. i will in due time. so dont ask me about it. if i care about you, you already know. but i care about others who dont know because theres more to the story than whats been known. i dont know where the end will be.

its so late and i’m typing things i dnot want to say. i’m misspelling words i know how to spell and its so late i dont care to correct them. in fact i just took my glasses off and now i cant even read the words i am typing on the screen. i dont even know why i leave my monitor on.

i worked outside today. i fixed my lawnmower up. put oil in it, sharpened the blades. and cut my grass. afterwards, i grilled myself a nice juicy steak on my grill. i cooked some corn, yellow and white. and some mushrooms and garlic.

when i was young me and my dad would always work outside on the weekends and grandma would always have lunch waiting for us at lunch time. we’d go eat and go back out to work. i want a girl who would take care of me like that. my grandma died when i was in early high school i think. i don’t know the year. i didnt go see her, i didn’t want to see her sick. i regret that so much. i still have cookies she made for me. no one makes them like she did. and banana pudding. i like banana pudding. i can barely see red lines as i type banana so i know i’m spelling it woring. i dont care.

these are mini observations my friend pretzelboy said to me recently. my room is lit by my monitor and my mixer and my stereo. i have a new song i wrote. well part of a new song. actually i have 2 new songs. one on guitar, one on the computer. they arent finished of course. i dont remember the last time i finished something.

even my web pages isnt finished. the files link dont work. theres hardly any pictures in the picture link. i dont have good pictures. i havent finished my con report from last year. if your smart you can figure out how to access all the pictures that i havent linked to yet. good luck.

i want to write a story but i dont know what to write so i write here. why are there so many red lines?? i refuse to use my glasses. its late. pathetic.

last weekend it felt good outside. i thought of walking down to my nearby pond with my dogs. then i thought how rare it is for me to want to do anything outside. so rare, i wanted to come back inside and mention it on my web page that i was going to be outside. but i didn’t. i went in and played a game. i want a bike. so i can ride it to the pond.

i want to sleep. its late now. its so loud in here. the tmbg concert was very awesome. its late and i’m going to bed now. i’ll read what i wrote in the morning if i remember and see how bad i misspelled all of this. thanks for reading. hope i enlightened you a bit

March’s collection of poetry is now available in the poetry section. enjoy. So how many idiots believed the previous post? ha! it’s all true, except for the part of me selling the site. anyway, Monday had to be one of the best april fools day I’ve seen in a long time. want my awesome linking abilities to shine through again? get ready for a long post here:

The technology behind Google’s great results

Napster Buys Microsoft, Plans to Sue Itself

Stealth P2P network hides inside Kazaa

MSN Delivers Another Brick in “the Wall”

Nintendo may cut GameCube’s price

High-profile anti-Unix site runs Unix

Electricity over IP

Binary Lexical Octet Ad-hoc Transport

Warcraft III drops another race, faces further delays

GameSpot reader launches Diablo fan site

Study on studies about games inconclusive

Duke Nukem Forever box woes

Sony hikes EverQuest rates higher

Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

Games people shouldn’t play

Updated Slashdot Advertising Policy

Mac OS X Hidden Secrets Revealed

Rootkit Packaged for Debian

nVidia/AMD Merger Announced

The Moon is really made of green cheese

Burger King changes it’s name to Chicken King

Canadian Finance Minister Paul Martin quits his job to breed Charolais cows

New Cigarette contains no nicotine and is not addictive

of course, here is probably the ultimate listing of April Fools’s day jokes

Yea, so i’m tired of running this site. no one visits, no one comments on it, no one listens to my music or reads my poetry. ahhh..

so i’m selling the site. i’ve been contacted as one of the top producers of original content and i’m hoping that things will go smoothly and let me get at least a little bit of money off of the site.

We’ll see. it’s been fun

So the show last night was a success. It was a more mellow one than usual. The owner of the club asked us not to play so loud.

After the show, we were invited back on the 13 of April. We’re going to look for some other places to play too. Angus Junction in Louisburg is our next attempt to get into.

I’m going to have to set up some kind of mailing list or something for our fans to subscribe to. Then we can send out where we’re going to be and stuff like that. I’ve already gotten a few who want more info.

For more information on the local music scene, why not check out www.raleighmusic.com? Lots of good info there, gig listings and stuff like that.

Oooo check out what I just did: created a group on Yahoo for us. Subscribe here (historical link): singermercy. You’ll get info on where we are playing next and things like that through your email.

Ok, so I just made some instant mashed potatoes. I’ve always hated instant stuff, it’s so nasty looking. I just don’t understand how it’s possible to create potatoes from water and some white paste. Well, it’s about supper time now, I’m going to check on my chicken I have in the crock pot and chow down!

Basically, if it could go wrong, it went wrong. The entire past few weeks have led me to believe this past saturday’s show was going to be a bust. and with one half working cd player, my home 5 disc changer, and Mark’s portable cd player, we setup to practice on Saturday. After some practice and starting to pack up the equipment and begin hauling it, Mercy called to verify our booking for the night, and the place screwed up and we weren’t on the list!! some guy had been booked as well that same night, and no one told us. good thing we called before we went over there. so our hopes shattered, we called around a few places to see if we could get in, either the place wasn’t open, the manager wasn’t in or whatever excuse. so we gave up, and Mercy went home and i just stayed where i was and took a nice nap. Then Mercy calls all excited and says she’s gotten us in at another club called the Silver Dollar. alright, so we’re on. i go get a vehicle, pack everything up, picked up Mercy, and off we went to the silver dollar. got there, only a few people there. it was early for a club though. only about 8:00 pm. i started setting up all the equipment. it was a nice place for us, we had a stage and everything. never played on a real stage before. now, this place was really big, especially compared to philly bistro. so i cranked my JBL’s up, and made sure we had plenty of noise to fill the room! and man they rocked on. i didn’t even crank them all the way. didn’t skip a beat. well.. except for some strange skips in I will survive that Mercy sang, maybe the cd’s getting scratched up. We just kinda faded the music out and left it at that. but other than that, my broken cd player played on for the night, and i didn’t have to break out my backup unit. now, the owner of this place has ties with other big clubs in the area. he’s heard her sing before at another place, and he likes her. and from what i understand, he wants us back at the silver dollar. we just have to find some appropriate music for the redneck crowd that hangs out there. Hopefully, things will progress and we can get into some other clubs. i can hire some help and we can get a van and there’s a bit more equipment i want to buy. if i’m going to do something, i’m gonna do it right and it’s pretty good right now, but not perfect. anyway… if you only read one thing in this whole rant/update i have, read this. MARCH 16TH, 7:00PM PHILLY BISTRO! yea, mercy called today and spoke with the manager, and it turned out to be a big misunderstanding and all is well. to make it up, he put us in this Saturday. and if all goes well, he even said the 30th as well. so we’ll see. income is nice

with all that went on the past week or two, i haven’t had much time to just relax and think. i don’t have any new poetry, no new music. i hate that. not that i’m not trying. i haven’t even been posting here as much as I’d like to. I’ve been frequenting www.blogwars.com and reading their stuff, but its basically a bunch of losers who sit around and talk about drugs and porn and just weird stuff. not that its’ not funny and interesting to read. but then neither is this. I’m listening to my game music remixes collection. i want to do a remix. i want to do some music. my keyboard wont talk to my fruity loops for some reason. i have a cd player sitting beside me that doesn’t work. i have 2 guitars in reaching distance and i’m not any better at guitar than i was a year ago. who wants to know that i went grocery shopping today? i got 2 packages of breyers ice cream. i’m about to have some too. i had left over pizza for supper. my house is gradually getting cleaner. i have laundry to fold. i hate folding laundry. random thought time to entertain you and me. i have cables hanging from my keyboard and i have no use for them. herzog zwei is one of my favorite genesis games. man, some guys making a herzog zwei TC for UT? another link about the game and yet another. i dont post enough links like i used to anymore. i’m already disinterested in this and ready to move on to something else. i haven’t balanced my checkbook for months. i’m cold. most of my cd’s are neglected. i like to work on the computer with the lights out. i hate noise when i sleep. someones dog kept me up for 2 hours last night because she was barking at some chickens or roosters or something making noises somewhere. i was 10 minutes late for work today. im not sure what will happen when my music conflicts with my work. i’m not sure how i will transport everything. i’m ready for my ice cream. i used to listen to quackshot on the genesis as background music for ultima’s martian dreams when i had a computer that didn’t have a sound card. i had a computer with no sound. i still have 2 computers with no sound. wait, maybe 3. the best fudge is at busch gardens, peanut butter and chocolate fudge mix. peanut butter and fudge ice cream is weird. but good. i have a season pass to busch gardens and no one to go with. i wouldn’t be opposed to going by myself. someone’s calling me. its Emily. thats what i said. your mamma has testees. i dont think frontpage has a correct spelling for testees. steve’s better at making ut maps than i. i’m better at grammer than steve. i dont think that was gramatically correct. i have mispelled grammer or grammatically 4 times now. this song sucks. done with ice cream. i have gotten an email every 2 minutes now for like 30 minutes. none of them are relevant. the best thing about living alone is control. the worst thing about living alone is living alone. those two statements collide. the ideology anyway. i still take Flintstones vitamins. i overdose on them every morning. but my body is used to it now. i have low iron. i have lost 15 pounds since the last time i weighed myself and i dont know how. i didnt mean to lose weight. i think i have a tapeworm. or some alien inside me (again). i wrote a story about a person with an alien inside them. i read it at my writers meeting years ago. it was the most profane thing i’ve ever written. i keep all my writings. i keep a lot of things. i used to keep ketchup packets by the trash bag. i used to keep paper towel tubes and make things out of them. now i keep silica gel packets. how many random things can i come up with? now do you know why i cant sleep at night? these things are going through my mind constantly. i can never finish a project. i haven’t made a complete thought yet on here. i sat down tonight when i got home to update my quicken info. that was at about 7:00 pm. quicken is still open on my computer, and it’s 10:08pm. i went to be bank last night at midnight to make a deposit. we got $25 bucks tip from our show at the silver dollar. the cd player i just ordered is $560. i’m broke. but i think it will get better. i feel like it’s an investment. when i ever find a good girl for me, she will probably be jealous of the money i spend. then again, if she’s a good girl for me, she wouldn’t. i have erased several random thoughts while writing this. this post is going to rival my 9/11 post. i had tons of links that night. i stayed up very very late collecting links on irc. i posted them all here. most are down now. i still keep all the old news i post on this site. just no way for you to access it yet. if your really good, you could find it. good luck. ok, i’m done with this. going to work on a ut map. i hope i entertained you for a bit. write me. i dont care what you say. write me. noone has written me about my page yet!!

It’s almost as if we’re not meant to play this weekend. Saturday, March 9th at 7pm is our next show at Philly Bistro in Wake Forest. I feel more unprepared this show than I did my very first one.

Some of you know, at our last show one of my CD players died only about three songs in. I’ve been unsuccessful at getting it repaired (Best Buy sucks!). But thanks to my elite skillz and what not, no one ever noticed and the show went on.

Well, during a small recording session with Mercy here last Sunday night, my second CD player died—one week before show time. Luckily, I had already placed an order last week for a new dual DJ CD player.

I finally received the player tonight, unpacked it, hooked it up in my new equipment rack…and one of the drives in the new unit is broke! It’s a dual, so I was able to use the other one and try it out (very neato), but I really want the second deck to play with. So the rush is on to get a new unit in.

I’m not sure how we’re going to transport everything this time. Last show, we borrowed Mercy’s in-laws’ Chevy Tahoe and filled it up; this show we won’t have that. We don’t like using my stepmom’s truck. We’ll probably rent a van. Then again, I’m thinking of hiring someone with a truck or van to help load and unload (twice) and get us to and from. Anyone up for it? We’ll pay something too—maybe 40 or so bucks. Come on, easy money.

Argh… I’m not old enough to rent a cargo van. You have to be 25. I’ll be 25 this July. Mercy can get it; it’s just a pain to get both of us together to pick it up. Saturday is always packed: I wake up early, set up all the equipment in my living room, she comes over, we practice, she leaves to get ready, I secure a vehicle, load everything, and get ready myself. Then we go, unpack there, set up, and it’s on! It’s way fun, but it does have some headaches.

Anyway, the show must go on—and maybe we’ll tie everything onto some rolling cart and drag it behind my car. So meet us there! You’re not doing anything Saturday anyway (I know you). Philly Bistro, downtown Wake Forest, NC. March 9th, 7:00pm – 10:00pm.

The Winter Olympics have finally come to a close tonight. If you didn’t watch the closing ceremonies you missed a really great show. It would have been such an experience to be there. This year, I followed the Olympics more so than in any other year and I have to admit I got a bit excited quite a few times. It’s amazing to me to watch some of these people who are teenagers compete and win against people from all over the world.

I watched Thursday night Sarah Hughes’s figure skating competition and was really pulling for her. The expression on her face as she landed her first jump was just unforgettable and really showed her emotions there. With each successive jump, twist, and turn she made, her face lit up as she knew she just gave the best performance she could possibly give. The burden placed on the remaining skaters that night must have been very heavy—each fell once during their performance. Even though Sarah was not expecting to win at all, it was very fitting for her to get the gold that night. Michelle Kwan is such a beautiful and talented skater and it was sad to see her lose the gold medal given her circumstances. But, as everyone said, she showed respect and grace to her competitors and accepted her medal—and that in itself is a sign of a good sport.

The closing ceremonies are off the TV now for the local news, but as soon as they come back on, I’m on it. I just had to crank my stereo up when Bon Jovi came on and played in the middle of the giant snowball fight and the ice that was splattered with fluorescent paint. Those dinosaurs were really neat, but could you imagine sitting in the stadium not knowing you had these huge creatures looming over your head and you turn around to see one of them looking you in the eye? Gesh! If I was athletic I would be inspired watching these guys. But I’m not. As athletic as I get is saying I’m going to buy a bike and start riding or that I’m going to start running. I used to run a lot and even thought of taking up track in high school, but for some reason I didn’t—probably because I figured I wasn’t good enough. Story of my life.

One thought still lingers on. I watched Sarah take the gold medal and knew she was not expecting to win it. She did, and she’s now the best. She worked 16 years to take the chance to go there, and she did and she won. But now what? It’s sad to me to think that you work for so long to accomplish something and then you’re suddenly beating everyone to it. What do you do then? She’s going to do tours around the country at local venues. But so young in life and already having achieved something that people work decades on—I wonder if she’ll be in Greece next time.

Ok, I have figured out how to add the cool Yahoo status to the page. Now you have no excuse not to talk to me! So do it! Don’t worry, you won’t be interrupting anything because no one else talks to me since they think they’re interrupting me talking to someone I’m not talking to.

Removed November news, home page should load faster, and I’m gonna post some new poetry too as soon as I finish typing this. So check it out under the poetry links!

This is sooo neat!!!