ha ha you jealous little
bitches! i already got it! it only took me about 15 fucking minutes,
of course, i had some code i had already written i used. but now, i can
update this news piece independently of the main web site. i think it’s
pretty sweet. next, i’m gonna make a generic work viewer, for articles,
stories, poetry, whatever. ahahahahah!!
that’s right, i’m gonna create some
bitching shit! i realized with all the content and shit i wanna put on
this site, i have to code the displaying of the page. so i’m gonna work on
that tonight and if i finish, maybe i’ll have time to start that article.
but knowing me, i’ll find something else to occupy my time, and i will never do
it. that’s my problem. i start doing something, get interested in doing
something else, and forget about the first one! just like now, i should be
coding. leave me alone dammit!
damn this work too. i got home from work,
took a shower, am cooking right now, still haven’t ate yet, and it’s already
damn 8:30pm! i’m adding to the site as i can, i’d like to code most of
the content in asp, but with all the links and things i wanna do to it, it
might just be easier to create the raw files with frontpage. i wanna
make content. one of the main reasons i started this site is to get me
back into writing, which i used to do all the time. now i don’t have
the ambition to do it. i’m not in the mood after working all
day. when i’m not working, i’m working around my house, or
entertaining myself on the computer or something. my environment is
not suited for writing, i have 4 cats, a rabbit a hermit crab, and sometimes
a dog all inside. i have more animals outside. actually most of
these animals are my kinda girlfriend’s. they make tooooo much
noise. years ago, when i used to write, i could sit in my room when i
lived with my mom and her husband and tune out absolutely
everything. when they went to bed it was dead quiet, i
could think. no one bothered me. i would write poetry, or
stories, i had a few published, and i really enjoyed doing it. i
consider myself to be a creative person, and i need to be doing something
creative and in my field of vision to stay focused and happy in life.
so, back to the subject, (i ramble a lot, part of my writing) if i write on
this web site, it will get me adapted to writing again and maybe i can be as
good it as i used to be. and i decided what my first article will
be. i really enjoyed vilette’s
article on picrave. but i see A/S/L as something different.
i’ll post it here as soon as i’m done.
i finally decided to write something on this damn
website. its a work in progress, but i wanted to have a nice place for
friends and strangers alike to go to learn more about me and to check out
the things that interest me. the cam pic is just a peek into my world,
and if you see me on the cam at a current time but i’m not in the chat, it’s
because i’m fucking doing something on the damn internet. thats why i
get on the net anyway. so if you want to get me, the best thing to do
would be to send me an email cuz i check that every so often when i get
lonely. right now i’m listening to some music from escaflowne
which i’ve only recently gotten into. ive been staying up
too late recently. it’s already 11:40pm and i’m tired as hell. i
gotta get up for work at 7:30am. my girl’s gone right now, so i’ve
actually been able to do things that i want to do around here for a
change. things i need to do, things i should be doing anyway
regardless of if she was here or not. but she will never understand
that. but i get so caught up in doing them i stay up too late.
damn this need for sleep. damn this getting old, i used to be able to
stay up till 2 or so in the morning and be able to get up for school, but
those days are a long time ago.
I had secluded myself into my own little world. I had indulged myself in my
own thoughts. I had blocked out everything else. I was in the state where
nothing mattered to me, and I mattered everything to nothing else. In this
own little state of mind, my own little world, I was happy.
Others looked down upon me. They said that I had forgotten about them, and
about life. They said that I didn’t talk, or show emotions. I do talk.You
just can’t hear it. Only me and myself can hear my words of wisdom echo
throughout my vast mind. Can’t hear them? Good, you aren’t supposed to. I
wasn’t talking to you anyway.
Others started avoiding me. I made them unhappy; I depressed them they said.
Why? What’s their problem? Can’t I relate to others the way I please? Do
unto others unless they do unto you first, for then it’s revenge.
I thought that everyone had stopped thinking about me. That was when I saw you
here. Why are you here? This place isn’t for you. You still have contact
with others. You should be with them. I am here because I choose to be here,
but you are not. Something forced you here.
No matter, either way you should leave. You should leave soon before you are
stuck here. Once you stay here too long, you can’t return. Even though I
have spent years here, I can return if I choose, but I do not. This place is
better for me than anywhere else. I like it here.
Why do you like it here? This is a no-man’s land of thought. There is
nothing here but yourself to talk to, to think about, or to interact with. You
will miss that other place, the place you belong. You will want to return,
but you will be so lost here that you cannot.
I can see you now; I can see you there. It’s getting late, too late. All of
your friends have left as you have left them. I can see you alone. It’s
getting dark, too dark. All of your energy has been drained. I can see you
silent. It’s getting lonely, too lonely. All of your thoughts are one now.
I can see you crying. It’s getting cold, too cold. All of your compassion is
gone.
Now, as the people dressed in white come to take you away, I can see your
friends and family wondering what went wrong. And, as the men dressed in white
lock you up and listen to your childhood stories, you fight with the men
dressed in black, the ones trying to lock the door behind you here.
I don’t like this; I don’t like watching you deteriorate. You are becoming
too much like myself. I am not like this, am I? It’s been so long since I saw
myself there. When I look there, I can’t find myself. I’m still there, aren’t
I? I look at you here, and I look at you there. I’m not like you, am I? I
thought I still had some hope of leaving this place.
Seeing you like this, I question my being here, just as much as I question
your being here. I think I must leave this place; I must leave soon before
I am stuck here. I like it here no longer.
Now, I am on the other side. I am here and you are there. I am happy here.
My friends and family are coming back to me. My thoughts and memories have
returned.
Why are you there? You seclude yourself into you own little world. You
indulge yourself in your own thoughts. You block out everything else. You
are in the state where nothing matters to you, and you matter everything to
nothing else. In this own little state of mind, your own little world, you
are happy.
5-25-1994